The Day I wanted to Quit

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Dear World,

I quit.  At least that's what I want to say.  Actually, I want to scream it right now.  I quit, I quit, I quit.

But it's not that simple is it?!  I have a few kids and they rely on me.  I have a husband, he relies on me.  They don't realise and they take me for granted most of the time and whilst I realise that it's not OK, I'm not prepared to let them down because I like to feel needed.  I want to feel needed.  

Everyone warns you that being a parent is hard.  But I don’t think one can fully comprehend it until they have become one.  It’s the same with settling into a marriage… that honeymoon period disappears as fast as the honeymoon and you’re left with those scary “adult” problems.  Well, I don’t want to adult today.  Why didn’t I savour my childhood and cling onto it?  Why did I wish away those years?  Oh, what an idiot I was.  I grew up with the false illusion that you’d grow up, have a whirlwind romance, get married and live happily ever after.  Oh Disney, you really fucked me up.

My mental health is currently in question, by me.   Am I OK?  I don't know.  Do I want to break down?  I don’t know.  Do I want to disappear?  Yes.  I just want to crawl under a rock and cry.  But here I am, door locked, sitting in the WC contemplating the world in all it’s glory.

Moms, I’m sure you get this.  There’s this overwhelming pressure to be perfect in life… to be the best version of yourself and to go around with a plaster stamped on your face.  Well, today, I’m not that person.  I’m far from it.  I’m bitter and I’m cynical and it all started with my son not pulling the flush.  How lame is that??? Don’t answer.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d never do anything stupid.  At least I don’t think I would but I’m at that “I want to disappear stage.”  Anyone been like that?  My family wouldn’t be able to function without me, though they say they would.  When we’re OK, we’re really OK.  But when there’s conflict we ALL fall apart.  Is that normal??  Or is my family just totally dysfunctional???

We felt the strain early on in our marriage.  My partner had a rough childhood and when our first born arrived it brought up all sorts of issues and tension.  But soon after, 14 months to be precise, baby number 2  made an appearance.  Followed by our twins a couple years later.  
Each child has been a direct reflection of our past.  They’ve made us raw and mirror everything we’re feeling.  It’s a punch in the face.  I know we all have our issues that fuck us up from our own parents but that wasn’t something I wanted to pass onto my kids.  And here I am ridden with guilt that it’s exactly what I’m going to do  My husband and I, we’re battling over anything and everything.  Finances, balance, kids, what to eat for dinner!  And some days he threatens me with divorce.  I don’t want a damn divorce.  I just want our shit sorted and to go back to that stage where we were when we first met.  When he couldn’t take his eyes off me, when he would confide in me, when I was all he wanted and when I didn’t go to bed knowing he’d rather do the male thing of pleasuring himself over some other pixelated chick than pleasure me.  How did it become this bad? I was his best friend.  And now I’m confused, lost and so isolated.  I’m crumbling.  And why the fuck did my son not pull the flush?!

I'm a sinking ship in a constant battle with the wind.  My kids are becoming more demanding by the second and my husband is away most of the time, probably questioning our marriage.  Work is manic and I can barely string an email together, let alone go to the bathroom.  The tears in my household are endless, the shouting matches are torturous and I’ve never felt so alone in my life.  Please someone, tell me this is normal. 

image:  north edinburgh news